Friday, 21 November 2014

Part Deux - Slightly Drunk And Way Too Emotional

So he left. And I cried. I wailed like a baby and could not stop. Once I'd calmed down enough to stop wailing (but still crying) I made myself a drink and decided to go to the beach once I'd finished it. You know I bloody love the beach. So I told Sophie and her boyfriend where I was going and set off.

And as soon as I was out the house, I texted LB.

Because I had thought of something. I had a proposition for him. I thought maybe, we could just forget about the feelings and just be casual fuck buddies. Right? Makes sense, right? (Now is not the time to tell me that makes no sense at all). Because I am slightly drunk. As the title so rightly says. Don't worry, am trying very very hard to spellcheck errything. Bloody hate misspelled words.

Okay so he replied to this text being all intrigued and shit. So I decided to go round there. I mean, I texted him first to say I was coming round. I don't just turn up a people's doors.

But here's the part I am most ashamed of.

Troy lives a street away from me. Would that be a block away in USA terms? I've never understood that. Can someone enlighten me? So he lives a street away. On the way to the beach. So I, for some reason, thought that phoning him on the way to the beach would be an excellent idea. He said he was around so I stopped off at his,

Long story short: I kissed him. And he didn't kiss back.

Because he is a decent human being. He knows not to take advantage of someone - especially when they are drunk and considering he still likes me... And he didn't kiss me back. And I felt so embarrassed. So embarrassed.

EDIT: This post has taken me 3 days to write. So much has been going on over the past few days. So much. It is now Friday morning, I am no longer drunk.

So yes, I kissed Troy. And then I left to go to LB's.

I got round there and asked him straight out what the deal was. He said that, again, he liked me enough for a relationship but would be gone by June. I assured him I didn't want relationships because they are scarypants so he was perfectly safe there. Then we had crazy hot sex and I left the next morning. And I mean crazy hot. Bloody hell.

And I was fine with it. Despite the fact I had told him to leave - a fact he was very impressed with - and then immediately went round to his which basically almost put me back to square one. But I was totally fine with it. I had gotten all the feelings part out the way and we were just going to continue having occasional crazy hot sex.

Then I had a pregnancy scare.

Chyeah. That's a thing. That happened.

Just to clear things up now - I am not pregnant. Nor do I intend to be for quite some time. But when you're a girl, you know when something's not right. I had been so over-emotional the past few weeks and my skin was going crazy and I'd been eating everything in existence. Things that don't normally happen were happening. So yes, I freaked out. And I got drunk. Obviously.

And I happened to text LB. Telling him I might be pregnant. I know, I know. Possibly one of the most idiotic things I could have done. But I have no idea how to tell you how I was feeling then. I felt lost. So, so lost and confused about everything that was happening in my life. Not just men (as much as this blog likes to make it look the opposite, I do actually have other things going on in my life that don't have penises) but everything.

So yes, I told him. And he freaked out. And I got mad at him. I got mad at him for freaking out because of course he would - the self absorbed fuck. So I told him that even if I was pregnant. he'd get off scot free because I would give him the chance to fuck off and have nothing to do with it. He could carry on doing his lawyerly thing and fucking about with many other girls and he wouldn't need to worry. So for once, would he be a decent man and think about how I'm feeling.

God, I am the worst when drunk.

He understandably got even madder. And came round. I wouldn't let him in the house because I was being a strong independent woman so we had a huge argument outside. I cried. I didn't (and still don't) understand what he wanted from me. He didn't have a clear point to make other than I had made him feel like shit. Poor, delicate flower. Then we went inside to bed. I was so emotionally and physically exhausted by then that he could have suggested we move to China and I would have agreed as long as there was a bed waiting for me at the other end.

And all night, he held me. He has never done that before. Ever. We have slept together (sleeping) a lot. And not once have I woken up in the night or in the morning to his arms around me. And it's not like he's just moving in the night. We never went to sleep in each other's arms. Perfect guy, huh?

But despite that, I woke up feeling that none of this was right. I kicked him out at midday. I kicked him out nearly 2 hours ago. I've blocked his number. I think I've sworn off men.

Because my friends were right. He was unhealthy for me. I had lost all sense of who I was since being with him. And, as I told him when we were arguing, I was so not in love with him. I had just put him up on a pedestal and I hadn't wanted to let him go because he was Lawyer Boy. And he had wanted me.

When he left today, it was very TGI-esque. He got dressed and I tried to just shut my eyes and go back to sleep. And he turned at the door and said 'bye'. I didn't reply. So he walked out.

'Bye'. That was it.

I'm glad. I'm glad this ended after such a short time. I mean, only 2 months isn't that bad. And now I can just do other stuff right? Other stuff...

God, I am exhausted. So, so exhausted. I want to just curl up and sleep forever. I have no emotions right now. I don't want to cry or shout. I just want to sleep.

So there we go. I wouldn't expect regular posts any time soon. I mean, I have to find another man to write about, obviously.

Now tell me, what do you think? Of this whole thing? This whole, turbulent thing? What should have I done differently (everything)?

It's a really good thing I don't have his jumper any more. It means he won't forget me all too quickly until he washes it. And I think that's fair. I think that's very fair.


  1. Best I can tell, you are what we, very affectionately in The South (US), call a Mess. A big complicated personality that people are attracted to...because most people are punks...repressed.

    It's gotta be tough to be a young female mess though. It takes many years...many hard, mean years...for a man to learn his way around the most mealy mouthed women. Eventually we catch up. My wife and I met when we were 15. It ten years of pleading then intense psychological warfare to convince her that I was grown enough to have children with...Sucker. :)

    You'll get it together but just remember in the mean time you're dealing with, relatively speaking, mental and emotional midgets (can I say that?).

    Still, it sounds like LB will make a good lawyer...a good lawyer has to be at least a the very least. He shouldn't have freaked out on you...or gotten mad about your reaction. It's not like somebody played a trick on him. He was involved in the act after all.

    I have to say...I feel for Troy. At least he nutted up on you. You can't go over to his slab eating pizza and watching movies without him calculating his chances. :)'re posting regularly. I don't want to hear any excuses.

    Sorry I've gone's Friday. I'm stuck in my office all freaking day.

    PS Blocks. Where I live it's very hilly and the roads go back to old trade roads. Our "blocks" look like Rorschach blots. In flatter the Mississippi Delta...the blocks are very regular and they look like...well...blocks.

    1. All I aim for in life is to be a hot mess. Apparently I am now halfway there so thank you very much for that,
      And yes, I get the midget aspect (and found it hilarious) of my problems but if I didn't have midget problems, I would have nothing to write about.
      God I know, I am such a dick aren't I? Troy did not deserve my dickishness. But to be fair, I didn't want to be friends with him after we broke up. I find that weird.

      P.S. Still don't know what blocks are. Literal blocks? Or streets? I'm so confused.

    2. Ah see I didn't realize you and Troy had been a couple. He's just being a chump then if he lets you in the door. :)

      Blocks are the area of buildings between streets so yeah...if you're two streets over, not counting alley ways...since were getting serious now, you're two blocks over.