Living The Dream?

In an attempt to bring back my (usually) ever eternal optimism, imma follow up my last post with a FUN CREAM PUFF FILLED POST ABOUT DREAMS and try to ignore the excruciating period cramps and hormonal acne blizzard on my face right now.

I need no excuse to show off my enormously fluffy fatball. Just look at the casual pose, the perfect blending in.. I did nearly sit on him the other day because I couldn't see him. Master of disguise and food.

Anyway anyway anyway, I want to write about dreams. More specifically, my dreams. And not the weird sleeping dreams about -ahem- cats. I would call them goals but then that would make me annoyed if I never achieved them and dreams sound more magical anyway so.

As of about 3 days ago, my new dream is to own a self converted campervan and go away to magical mystery adventures with Eskie and potentially Ryan if he is feeling extra nice and also if we get a van with a super high roof so he can stand up.

I've been madly stalking various couples' instagrams and blogs and obsessively looking through all their gorgeous carefree photos of fun times in cosy bohemian vans and one of them even has a PET CAT that LIVES IN THE VAN WITH THEM and they even take it on HIKES ON A LEAD and it SWIMS and goes KAYAKING with them in his little CAT LIFEJACKET.

All photos from Our Vie Adventures which is the COOLEST place on the interwebs and I do not know what I did to be blessed with these visions.

There's also tonnes more that I stalk/follow and I'm too over excited and in pain to think of them but they're equally as wanderlusty. And and and! There's a bloke who has turned his van into a camper/COFFEE SHOP where he serves freshly brewed coffee to whoever's around and he also has a website and sells coffee on there but lol I'm useless and have forgotten what it's called. And there's a girl who supports her travels by making jewellery on the road and selling it online and basically I want to buy all the things these people make so I can help fund their lifestyles and also hi everyone you're getting necklaces and coffee for Christmas.

I would LOVE to be able to do something creative to support myself like they're all doing. So don't be surprised in the very near future if all of a sudden What Have I Made This Time appears and I pop up everywhere trying to get you to buy friendship bracelets or something. 

I'd love to be able to do freelance travel writing or do enough cool stuff to warrant a travel blog or be an excellent photographer and take pictures of sea lions and shit for National Geographic. But to be fair, you'd not get much content out of me. 'Yeah sorry, no photo of the Greater Spotted Purple Leapord Bear, I was in prime position outside the lair and then got a craving for Krispy Kreme so...'

Anyway anyway anyway that's one dream which I like because it's totally feasible if I got my shit together so that gives me hope. 

My other dream right now which is more scary and stressy sounding is getting back into driving. I passed my test about a billion (four) years ago and haven't really driven since and am therefore terrified of motorways and roundabouts and other cars. I also have a shite attention span and will happily crash the car because I've seen a squirrel. However, I hate having to rely on Ryan or public transport to get anywhere and so I've decided that getting behind the wheel again will be the way forward. It also means that potentially we can move out of Hampshire (lol accidentally typed Hampshite which is so true) and into more fun places that are still commutable like Wiltshire. Cos Wiltshire def sounds like a blast... Can you commute to Southampton from Edinburgh??

So like, if someone wants to get me a car and/or campervan please proceed. And please also help me attempt to get the cat off the sofa and into a kayak...

Mayday Mayday Mayday: Day Drinking

What's happened? How can I have begun to relapse back into my 2pm wine drinking ways? And by that I mean drinking wine at home by myself (well, with the cat but I haven't yet bought him cat wine. Yet.) I'm not having a leisurely boozy lunch with girlfriends or my boyfriend for that matter. This all feels very 2 years ago. (2 years!!!)

I'm really struggling at the moment. I'm stuck in such a rut and I know that something needs to be done to get out of it but what?

My life is a big bundle of stress right now. Stress about my job, stress about Ryan's job, stress about Ryan stressing about his job, stress about our home, stress about our relationship. The only stress free thing is the cat who is so chilled out he is quite literally horizontal.

I'm so worried that this stress will cause me and Ryan to break up. AAAAHHHH there I said it!!!

Our relationship has not run its course. We have brilliant days. Days where I can see why I fell in love with him (ew) and how much fun we have together. He's cheeky, he's relaxed, he's kind, he's funny. We had an amazing time in Turkey with no arguments - not even one cross word and that included a 4 hour flight! I have my fingers and toes crossed that our break in Budapest in 2 weeks will have the same effect.

But then we have days like yesterday. And the days before that. And probably today when he gets home from work. Days when one of us will say the wrong word and just like that, the evening's gone in a haze of silence until we go to sleep. Days when we play fight and Ryan doesn't understand that when I say stop, I mean stop. He's just a big kid but doesn't realise that sometimes enough is enough until oops I have an enormous bruise on my knee. Days when fun soon turns into arguing.

He thinks it's my fault. I think it's his fault and also probably my fault. He's a realist. I live on a cream puff of optimism. We're clashing in ways we previously would have melded.

I think it's all due to work and money. The most boring, adult of things. I earn living wage. He earns almost triple. If I didn't have him, the term 'living wage' would mean nothing. I could not afford to live down south on my earnings. That's just a fact and also really puts into perspective how little I can give here.

I'd love to be able to put money away in a house fund, a travel fund. I'd love to be able to treat Ryan to dinners out, to spontaneous adventures. I'd love to be able to buy little things that I'd like - a candle, a new blanket.

They say that money isn't everything, that money isn't happiness but by god it helps. I religiously put money in my house fund, in my travel fund, to our food shops, to little treats out. But I am always left struggling. In a country that tries its hardest not to talk money, I have no shame in admitting that, if it wasn't split up between Ryan and I, my take home pay would only just cover the rent and bills. I would have no money for food, for the bus, for the cat. We live in a hell of an expensive place and let's be real; no one goes to work in charity for the money.

Since the collapse of the North Sea oil industry, Ryan has found it nigh on impossible to find a job in his sector. We were s lucky that he got this job but it meant us leaving Paris. It meant us settling down into a lifestyle we can't afford and into jobs that push us to breaking point. I mean, I used to love my job and I'd be perfectly happy staying in it for a good few years more but it just doesn't pay enough. I cannot afford to live on my job. Ryan's job pays well but he knows he could get so much more whilst doing a job that he loves. Or even tolerates more than he does this job.

So what's the answer? Because if something doesn't happen job wise rather sharpish, our relationship will break up. I'm not sure if Ryan is aware of this but it is entirely our lifestyle right now that is causing these strains between us.

Once I've written this, I'm going to rewrite my CV to make it all professional and pretty so people might hire me. But for what?!! I am a retail clone! The world is chock full of different, exciting industries but which is for me? And should I look for job satisfaction or money? Can you have both?

In an ideal world, I would love to earn enough money to support the both of us. That would then mean Ryan would respect me more, he could start working for his dream job and I would have the money I want to do things to fill our days with sunshine and rainbows. but can I do that? Can you move to a new job with little to no qualifications and quadruple your salary? I highly doubt it.

On the other hand, I dream of being able to work freelance at something (lol what) and go back to living in a studio in Paris (impeccably designed and decorated) with the cat whilst also having a converted campervan to take adventures in. Ryan potentially not applicable.

But I don't want to break up with him. I've become the girl that quits things - school, uni, Paris, potentially this job. I'll be damned if I do anything but stay strong in this relationship until the end. Be that next week or a hundred years from now.

But is it all up to me? From what I gather, yes it is. Ryan can't leave the job that sustains us to move to a lower paid job or even temping because I earn so little. Why can't we just drop everything and travel? Because money. Why can't we move elsewhere that's cheaper? Because jobs.

I'm so frustrated and scared at the prospect of change but it's horribly apparent that change is going to have to happen or else everything will disappear.

Where Have I Been?!

Omg we went on holiday last month and it was the actual tits. 

We went to Turkey for a week ALL INCLUSIVE because we are FANCY FUCKS and it was the bestest. We went to mud baths and are fresh crab on a boat and saw sea turtles and rock tombs and ancient roman towns in 40'C heat and sat by the pool with beer and books and went horse riding and walked through a gorge and holy shit it was so good.

Being able to get away from work and Southampton and general worries about life was incredible. We hadn't realised how much we needed it. It also made me want to go and move abroad (lol Paris) because CLEARLY everyone is their best self when in the sun. But anyway it was fab and we're going to Budapest in September which will also be highly excellent (also almost exactly 2 years since the last time I went with Gregor... Much hilair.)

Also Ryan turned 21 in June and we went to Poole and played mini golf and went out for dinner which is what you do when you are a youth. We also learned I am terrible at golf, mini or otherwise. 

                               

                              

                              

AND YES I MADE A CAKE ALL BY MYSELF BECAUSE UP YOU RYAN I CAN DO BAKING TOO. I was so proud. It was so good. 

Also more excitement because Eskie has totally lost weight and is like a new cat. He's all springy and playful and keeps bunny hopping everywhere because he doesn't have a big wodge of fat anymore to slow him down. I mean, he's still not a model but he's not at obese death's door so there's that. 

                            

                            

                            

MY FAVOURITE PHOTOS EVER. HE IS SO UNATTRACTIVE WHEN HE SLEEPS.

I'm all excited about this month too because I'm seeing actual friends! Real life friends! They do exist! Holly's coming to stay for a night and then Chris is here for the weekend so we can go out and so socialising! I don't just have to see Ryan's face! I can see other faces! I love other faces!

Although hi, I've been going to book group like my mother. Im not even ashamed because it's so good. Except everyone just drinks tea when I really think it would be a lot better with wine but hey that's just me being an alcoholic... But fo realz I can bring out my 1 3/4 years of English literature degree knowledge and talk shit about symbolism. So there's that.

Anyway anyway anyway everything's started to go quite well. Ryan's still looking for another job but, unless we move away from here, I'll be made temporary manager in November when my current manager goes on maternity leave. So that'll look good on my newly sexed up CV that I've spent HOURS on making it look the primest. 

Yeah so, we good. We all good.

                             

Life Lately

I am such a hormonal mess right now. Just one giant hormone floating about trying to make its way in this cruel cruel world.

So I've barricaded myself on the sofa with Eskie under my Harry Potter blanket. I have had hot chocolate for breakfast. I have spent a good few hours feeling sad that I have no money and therefore can't even afford to spend a night in one of the apartments on Paris Perfect. WHY WON'T THE WORLD LET ME HAVE A FLAT WITH A BALCONY, AN EIFFEL TOWER VIEW AND A FREE STANDING BATH?

Just look at it. I cry.

So now I'm diverting my attention away from Paris (lol jk it's always open in at least 3 tabs) and onto The Great Job Hunt. The joys. 

Since we have decided that Ryan is going to leave his job, everything has gotten a bit topsy turvy. If Ryan leaves his job, we have to move elsewhere. This also means I have to get a new job (LITERALLY NO COMPLAINTS HERE WHATSOEVER. LEAD ON MCDUFF). So while this is all rather exciting because new jobs! New place! New sofas that aren't covered in cat wee! It's also a bit of a pain in the arse.

Ryan's fine. He's got his little world of boats to find jobs in. I, on the other hand, have the entire huge world of every other job under the sun. Ish. Obvs I'm not becoming a rocket scientist so let's be realistic.

I want out of retail. I definitely want out of this job as it's making me sad and angry and I just can't afford enough wine to be constantly sad and angry. And that's about as far as I've got. I just can't narrow it down! My dream job requirements are thus so far:

- Well paid (at least higher pay than I get now. Not hard. Sob).

- Flexible with days off or shift work (because Ryan will be doing shifts and I do occasionally want days off with him and all).

- Not in a shop (please for the love of all that is holy, not in a shop).

- Ability to work at least half the time in Paris with unlimited budget in regards to flats and pastries (please and thank you).

I have no clue how to start looking. There's just so much and I can't narrow it down. But hey ho. Please help.

In other news, we had a rather lovely week last week. We went to Lymington and had ice cream by the water. Then we went out on date night and I wore a dress. I have zero photos of these events because apparently I decided my memory was good enough. Lol no.

The last photo I have of us is when we watched the Grand National and had to turn the TV up because Eskie was snoring so loudly on my lap.

Just visible white fluffball.

I keep meaning to take more photos that aren't solely of the cat but it's proving difficult. We have so many photos from our France roadtrip and Paris and whatnot but now we're being settled and old, I don't have as many and that makes me sad. I'll just add it to the list of things what I should do in my spare time along with learning more French, learning piano again, getting a keyboard to do learning on and pilates.

So the point of this is: find me a job and become my personal photographer thank you.

Finally A True Cat Lady

Hello! Tis I! The useless blogger! Remember me?!

Today, lovely people, I would like you to meet Eskie.

OMG WE HAVE A CAT NOW AND HOW HAVE I NOT DOCUMENTED THIS AT ALL EVER HERE?!!!!!!!!

 HE IS THE FLUFFIEST FATTEST BALL OF SMOOSH THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN. I HAVE NEVER FELT A LOVE LIKE THIS.

We got him from the RSPCA (or, as I like to think of it, he was gifted to us from the gods above) about 3 months ago. The nice RSPCA lady/god told us that he was called Perry and had actually been rescued from a drug den.

I know!! This stupid wonky eyed fluffball had been a drug lord's pet. To be fair, he probably was THE drug lord.

It was actually Ryan who first spotted him as I had already decided I really wanted a black cat and so I didn't even bother looking at any others.

This was taken the night we brought him home. Safe to say, he loves Ryan a lot.

We've put him on a bit of a diet and exercise regime as he's rather on the large side. He's not quite into the whole exercise thing yet...

We named him Eskie which is short for Escobar which is in turn short for Pablo Escobar. The famous drug lord. Right?!! RIGHT?!! Hilarious.

Last picture, I promise.

He is my sweet baby child and the love of my life. He is also in a grump because he loves sitting on the laptop and I pushed him off to write this.

Cat lady dreams have been realised.

A Love Letter

Dear Lovely Man,

It's Friday morning and you're asleep. You've just come off a 12 hour night shift at work and came in to bed, freezing, at 7am. It's our day off today and I've had a lovely leisurely morning. I had a cup of tea in the bath - because we have hot water again after a week with no electrics! I've done half of the washing up before I got distracted by my book. I've hung the washing out. I've fed the cat and he's snoring in his fort. I need to clean the freezer but don't really want to go out in my dressing gown to the hose in the garden. I'd really quite like to get dressed but I don't want to wake you with, as you so nicely put it, my elephant feet.

I like having these long, quiet mornings. I know you think any time spent not doing things is time wasted but I get to appreciate things in this time. I get to think and drink coffee at my leisure and read my book with the cat sprawled out on my lap. I love the fact that you're asleep upstairs right now. In our house. Our house that is feeling more and more like a home. I love the routines we have although I hate you working nights. It's so cold going to bed by myself but at least I have the cat to cuddle up to as I wait for you. I love watching you with the cat. How you embraced my cat lady tendencies and went all out and agreed to get a little white ball of fluff for me. You love him really. Your 'little man'. He adores you. 

I can't quite believe that this is our life. I know you hate it when I call it 'old and boring' because you're right - it's anything but. Although a stark contrast to my life at uni and the lives of my friends who are out partying till the early hours, I love our life. Our life that's slowly finding its pace. We both work full time but our evenings are so precious. Whether we decide to go to the bowling alley for a game or two and a beer or two and an attempt or two for me to win a game... Or whether we stay in and watch a film all curled up on the sofa. Our Sunday nights going to the chip ship once I've finished work. I love the idea of making traditions with you. Of implementing things into our own little world that make it truly ours. 

I can't wait to see what our future holds. As much as I try to keep in the present and enjoy every second I have with you (although not the seconds spent arguing, I'll give you that) I can't help thinking of the future. We know we're both slightly unhappy with our jobs. We know it's expensive living here. We know we hate living under a landlord's thumb. But we can dream about what our future will hold. Maybe that cottage in the Lake District? Closer to Scotland so we can visit everyone we know. Maybe you'll work on the ferries? I know you miss being on a boat. Maybe I'll work out where my passion lies. Maybe we'll up everything and move into the log cabin we stayed in last year and hide out there forever. The cat would look right at home on a rug by a wood burning stove!

You'll be getting up in an hour so I should probably finish the dishes. We'll finish cleaning the house then decide what to do with the rest of our day. Maybe I'll prove to you the strike I got last week at the bowling alley wasn't just a one off? Or we could go for a frosty walk in the New Forest. Or just get in the car and drive. I love our drives. Our mini road trips. There's so much we've done in this past year! So many places we've lived and worked. But you've stuck with me during it all. Sometimes I can't quite believe you're still here with me. But you are and I love you for it. You're my world and I couldn't be happier. So thank you for this last year. It's been a whirlwind. 

I can't wait for the rest of our years together. 

I love you.

To the moon and back.

Forever and always.

I'm yours.

Happy New Year And All That

What is UP fuckers? Happy New Year!! Merry Christmas!! Everything has finally slowed down enough for me to have the time to write again. Also I'd completely forgotten I even had a blog until about 3 hours ago.

So where were we, where were we?

I left Paris! I left Paris over a month ago and it's a little bit sad and a little bit weird. I miss it every now and then - I even miss the girls! Actual children! But then again, I have the bestest of lives at the moment.

I'm now living in Southampton with Ryan and it is the tits. Well not Southampton as such because bitches be real; it's not Paris. Living with A BOY is working out rather wonderfully. We have an adorable house with a garden and - get this - we're going to get a cat this month. A REAL LIFE CAT THAT WILL BE OURS AND HOLY SHIT I AM SO EXCITED I MIGHT WEE.

It's so weird and grown up having a house. Especially an unfurnished house so we've had to raid Gumtree for furniture. But I'm pretty pleased at how it's turned out so far.

The before... (and the handyman).

And the after...

We Christmassed the fuck up.

Christmas was actually really rather excellent. Because I had two. I had one very hectic actual Christmas with my family in Lincoln. 12 of us, 4 dogs and a cat in one house was a bit much for me so it was so nice to come home to Southampton with Ryan and have our own quiet Christmas. Ryan cooked and we stayed in our dressing gowns like old ladies practically all day.

I also had very wonky eyebrow game. Sisters not twins right? Very very distant sisters. Like, sisters who never really got on because one turned into a goth when she hit high school and the other was super popular.

Also we legitimately look horrendous in any photo I take of us because Ryan is so enormous (see: my arms stretched all the way out and up) and so it's an awful angle. How dare he.

I have an actual proper grown up job now too. Like, a 35 hour fo realz one. It's still in retail though which is a bit soul destroying but it's back at my old charity and I've been promoted to Assistant Manager so there's that. Ryan works funny hours as a VTS Operator (I have no idea either) so we saw each other for approximately 10 seconds today as he was in the car driving to work and I was walking home from work. 

He gets lots of days off though so we're trying to time them so we're both off and can go and do adorable things together like walks in the woods and Dunelm shopping trips and GO TO RSPCA RE-HOMING CENTRES TO LOOK FOR CATS and all the fun shit. Life's pretty damn good.

But now I'm back in ye olde Englande (and living here for the first time since I was about two) it is becoming clear to me that I am very friendless. I would even go as far to say ALL the friendless. Everyone I know is back in Scotland and I miss having friends. I mean, Ryan's all fun and games and has an excellent bottom but sometimes you need to have friend catch ups over wine with friends and wine...

So here is me putting out a friend lonely hearts advert. I'm fun to drink alcohol with and occasionally drink coffee before alcohol with and even better drink coffee and alcohol combined with. Someone please befriend me. I'm all the fun. And soon I'll have a cat. What more could anyone want?!!

So how was your Christmas? And New Year? And will anybody be my friend and/or give me a cat?