Well Fuck Me Sideways And Call Me Wendy

Mama's not in a good mood.

Mama is me. I'm still trying to make this a thing. Still, no one's going for it. Patience, young grasshoppers, it will become a thing.

As I was saying in my last post, TGI is fucking all the shit up in my head brain space right now. I would very much like him to leave said head brain space but for the life of me, I cannot shift him.

And not only is he being a cockblock between me and Troy, he is also very much making me miss the huge slut I was Pre-Troy. It's the excitement I miss, you know? And the whole being unattached thing. That was awesome.

Yes, I have only been with Troy for 2 months. But I shouldn't be thinking this! Right now, all I want is someone who may not be good for me right now but who will be good for me in the long run. Someone who I might have fun with and that will then make me realise I want to settle down with someone nice. Still fun. But nice. Not dangerous fun.

I want someone passionate who I can argue with. Who will fight with me then have really hot make up sex afterwards.

I can't be the only person who wants this? I am eighteen years old. I do not want to find someone to settle down with. Major kudos (Major Kudos *salutes*) to those who do find their Forever when they are this age. You are obviously far more mature and put together than I will ever be.

Honestly? Since the start of uni nearly a year ago, I have slowly (and then very quickly) become the person I identify with. Put simply: I am a hot mess. And I like that. Is that a controversial thing to think? Possibly. But I liked the person that I was. I felt free. And no, in the long run, that person is not going to be good for me. But fuck me, I loved being that person.

And isn't this the time to fuck up? Isn't this the time to make bad life choices that you will regret later on but secretly be pleased you were awesome enough to make them?

Here come the daddy issues.

I do kind of believe that some of my hot messiness would not have come about had it not been for my dad and his girlfriend splitting up.

Very, VERY brief synopsis of what happened:

My mum and dad divorced when I was 7; my mum remarried and my dad got together with Sybil. My mum is still with my stepdad, with whom I have an on off sort of relationship. It's not all butterflies and daisies but he's nice enough. I got on really well with Syb and she was like a second mother to me. So when I found out that after 10 years together, she and my dad had split up because he had had an affair, I was not impressed.

I found out on my second day of uni. The second day of Freshers after moving into my halls. Suffice to say, I got very very drunk. I feel like that was the beginning of it all. The beginning of the hot mess. Wouldn't that be a lovely cliffhanger sentence if I was feeling the need to be dramatic?

And who knows, maybe I would've ended up slutting my way about Aberdeen even if Dad and Syb had stayed together. But I suppose the point of this isn't when I started becoming this person. It's why I want to remain this person.

Anyone got any ideas? I am now worried about the effect this may have on mine and Troy's relationship. I even shudder at the word 'relationship'.

Goodness me, I do annoy myself sometimes. I need to get my shit together.

Of Course Another Issue Arises

After my last post, of course something else pops up to give it all a good fucking up.

So I said that it was indeed possible that I actually quite liked Boyfriend Troy. He's in Edinburgh for the holidays whilst I've stayed in Aberdeen but we've seen each other a couple of times since uni broke up for the holibobs.

However, I was having a nice little Facebook stalking session with my mother and having stalked her previous friends and my Dad's new girlfriend, I decided to stalk TGI to see if he'd gotten fat.

That was a bad idea.

No, he's not the best looking but he is a RUGBY PLAYER. A chunky rugby player. And when you, like myself, are 6 foot tall, a chunky, tall rugby player is an excellent match. Because he makes you feel protected. And that feeling of safety is - to me - an exceedingly important element in any relationship.

Now after seeing some photos, I got reminiscing real bad. And don't get me wrong, it wasn't like, oh my dear Mr TGI Darcy, how I do miss your scintillating and sparkling presence in my life. It was more like, damn son you were exactly my preferred body type. I mean, more muscle wouldn't have gone amiss but y'know. Close enough. 

Ooooh look at me, Little Miss Shallowpants. Come on, don't lie, everybody's shallow. You can't help but be shallow. Everyone prefers the shallow end of the swimming pool anyway because you can do handstands.

So here's the thing. Every time that I was with Troy and things were getting down and dirty (I kid, I am so fucking innocent and angelic...), I would get flashbacks of TGI. Which would make me push Troy away and scoot as far from him as possible.

Now that ain't good.

It could be something as little as kissing and something in my idiotic brain would trigger a connection to TGI and I would freak.

Ho hum, I really do not know what to do about this.

Troy, bless his face, knows about TGI to an extent. An extent. To an extent. Extent. Again, extent. To one of those. Extents. 

Basically he knows that I had a bad experience with someone before him and it is therefore stopping me sleeping with him.

Seriously. We've slept together once. And I do mean the sex. Not just sleeping. Actual proper How I Met Your Mother banging. Ahem:

I'm worried, man. Because recently, I've been having thoughts that I'm going to break his little heart by being the first class bitch that I am deep down inside. Also, I've been having rather longing thoughts for The Time Before Troy, or, The Pre-Troy Era as I like to call it. 

Can I be Frank with you? ('Sure, if you prefer it to Nancy'. Heh.) Not that I am anything other than frank with you in my posts. Except when I sum things up very quickly because I have a very short attention span and get bored extremely easily and quickly.

I miss being single. I miss being a huge slut and making out (or more) with horrid boys at clubs and then discussing my night's adventures the next morning whilst hungover with my equally promiscuous friend. I miss being the girl with stories. I miss getting dolled up with the ashamedly predatory expectations for the night. I miss how casual my 'relationship' was with TGI. 

I know I'm seeing my 'thing' with TGI through rose coloured glasses at the moment because I'm verging on unhappy right now. I know that it had shit times COUGH THE END OF IT COUGH SEE MY POST ON IT COUGH WHAT AN ARSEHOLE COUGH but I was honestly the happiest I could ever remember being during the TGI Era.

Fo realz, I literally skipped and danced about with a huge grin on my face when I went for a solitary beach walk during the TGI Era. There was about 2 other people on the beach but other than that it was just an empty expanse of sand. It was chilly and windy but I danced about like a mad fucker and spun round and jumped the waves and it was bloody fantastic. 

Right, tell you what, I shall make this into two posts to save you the boredom of reading this nonsense for a prolonged period of time. I suggest you have a nice cup of tea and a biscuit while you wait for me to write the next post. Or why not just do what I like to call, A Nancy, and get on the tequila. I can assure you that is what I intend to do. Fuck being at home for the holidays, I can get silently drunk by myself. 

WARNING: The next post will no doubt contain some daddy issues. I apologise in advance and please let it be known that, when not using them to my advantage to lure men to my bed, I detest being a girl with daddy issues.

Long Time No See

Oops.

Let's all just forget about the slight hiatus I have been on and concentrate on me again. Back to me, please. Always me. Thank you very much.

I have news. Cue gasps of excited surprise.

I, previously of TGI Idiot fame, have somehow gotten myself a boyfriend.



Just take a moment for that to sink in.


Even I don't know how it happened. I'd been seeing him a couple of times before I went off to Paris and then I came back from Paris and had gotten him a model Eiffel Tower which was pink and sparkly because he told me to get him a present and I thought it would be hilarious to bring him that which it totally was and he has it up in his room now like he should and then once I'd gotten back from Paris, he asked me.

From that unintelligible bumble, I'll give you the main point; it's Troy.

Yes, Troy from previous posts. Gentleman Troy. Troy who, despite not being THE Giant Idiot, is a complete idiot. But an adorable idiot.

This is the scary part: I might actually like him.

I have not come to terms with this. We are going away to Budapest for 5 days in 2 weeks time which means I should probably come to terms with it pretty quickly. I do not know how I feel about this.

Mainly because I'm scared I'll fuck shit up. I know I'll fuck shit up due to previous incidents also known as: the time I slept with TGI the night after Troy was a gentleman and the time I made out with a guy I'd been wanting to get with since Freshers the night before my first date with Troy.

Writing them out makes me feel - and look - like such a dick.

But we'll see, right? It's nearly 2 months I've been with him.

It'll all be fine.