Friday, 25 July 2014

Well Fuck Me Sideways And Call Me Wendy

Mama's not in a good mood.

Mama is me. I'm still trying to make this a thing. Still, no one's going for it. Patience, young grasshoppers, it will become a thing.

As I was saying in my last post, TGI is fucking all the shit up in my head brain space right now. I would very much like him to leave said head brain space but for the life of me, I cannot shift him.

And not only is he being a cockblock between me and Troy, he is also very much making me miss the huge slut I was Pre-Troy. It's the excitement I miss, you know? And the whole being unattached thing. That was awesome.

Yes, I have only been with Troy for 2 months. But I shouldn't be thinking this! Right now, all I want is someone who may not be good for me right now but who will be good for me in the long run. Someone who I might have fun with and that will then make me realise I want to settle down with someone nice. Still fun. But nice. Not dangerous fun.

I want someone passionate who I can argue with. Who will fight with me then have really hot make up sex afterwards.

I can't be the only person who wants this? I am eighteen years old. I do not want to find someone to settle down with. Major kudos (Major Kudos *salutes*) to those who do find their Forever when they are this age. You are obviously far more mature and put together than I will ever be.

Honestly? Since the start of uni nearly a year ago, I have slowly (and then very quickly) become the person I identify with. Put simply: I am a hot mess. And I like that. Is that a controversial thing to think? Possibly. But I liked the person that I was. I felt free. And no, in the long run, that person is not going to be good for me. But fuck me, I loved being that person.

And isn't this the time to fuck up? Isn't this the time to make bad life choices that you will regret later on but secretly be pleased you were awesome enough to make them?

Here come the daddy issues.

I do kind of believe that some of my hot messiness would not have come about had it not been for my dad and his girlfriend splitting up.

Very, VERY brief synopsis of what happened:

My mum and dad divorced when I was 7; my mum remarried and my dad got together with Sybil. My mum is still with my stepdad, with whom I have an on off sort of relationship. It's not all butterflies and daisies but he's nice enough. I got on really well with Syb and she was like a second mother to me. So when I found out that after 10 years together, she and my dad had split up because he had had an affair, I was not impressed.

I found out on my second day of uni. The second day of Freshers after moving into my halls. Suffice to say, I got very very drunk. I feel like that was the beginning of it all. The beginning of the hot mess. Wouldn't that be a lovely cliffhanger sentence if I was feeling the need to be dramatic?

And who knows, maybe I would've ended up slutting my way about Aberdeen even if Dad and Syb had stayed together. But I suppose the point of this isn't when I started becoming this person. It's why I want to remain this person.

Anyone got any ideas? I am now worried about the effect this may have on mine and Troy's relationship. I even shudder at the word 'relationship'.

Goodness me, I do annoy myself sometimes. I need to get my shit together.


  1. Glad you're sticking with the blog. The readers will come eventually. Keep leaving comments on popular blogs, that's how I found yours.
    Now, it sounds pretty obvious to me that you don't really want to be with Troy. Personally I've never understood why so many girls like a bad boy and have an aversion to the nice ones. I think it's probably best you have a summer of being free and single. Then see how you feel about him next term. Or think about how you'd feel if you did this and found out he'd got a new gf over the summer. If you'd be heartbroken then you need to remind yourdelf of this!!

    1. I know, I know, it is awfully stereotypical of me. I, personally, have an inkling that the Summer apart has hindered our *shudder* relationship. We've hardly seen each other which I suppose is a bit poo. Ah well, Budapest next week; we'll see how that all pans out.

      By the way, thank you so much for taking time out of your presumably very busy and important life to comment on my posts. It really makes my day.