'I'm Up Early On Sundays...'

Ah, Tall Australian. Now the only man left in my life. How much it doth pain me that we can only see each other a mere 10 minutes a week. You brighten my Sundays and it's as if you just don't care that I am all kinds of crazy busy haggling two Indonesian puppets whilst there's a queue of epic proportions waiting at the till for me. No, you just wait for the crowds to part so you can set eyes on my stressed out face.

I swear to God, those bloody Indonesian puppets were nearly the end of me.

So, I have control of the shop on Sundays. I have the keys and do the banking and all that shit. But it also means I am in charge. It means that customers ask me things and I am the highest member of staff in the store and am therefore required to know things. I do not know many things. I make a hell of a lot of things up. Especially when I am too lazy/busy/stressed/tired/hungover to think otherwise.

Like with the Indonesian puppets. This is an Indonesian puppet. (Say Indonesian puppet one more time, Nancy...):

Basically, we had two of these puppets sitting on the top shelf by the till. They hadn't been there last week and since I'd called in sick yesterday with a 'stomach bug' (read: sad and hungover having cried over LB in the rain at the beach like a pathetic troll) I had no idea about prices. They had a card in front of them saying they were £60. But of course, the grand question here is: £60 for both or £60 each?? 

This is literally what my life is coming to. Pricing Indonesian puppets.

Anyway, a man asked me to get one down for him. Like the obedient shop assistant that I am, I went up the stepladder and lifted it down. Apparently the base was not attached. So as I was up a stepladder in a very crowded shop, holding this bloody puppet by its waist, the base came sailing down and crashed into the CD player.

Ever the professional, I did not swear. So fucking proud of that, you have no idea. I told the customer that if it was damaged, I'd give him money off. It was not damaged. Nor was the other one I took down. Yet lo and behold, as I went behind the counter, he asked me if it was £60 for both or £60 apiece. As this was happening, more and more people were coming into the shop, minding their own business and swanning about as if the most stressful thing in the entire world wasn't about to happen before their very eyes.

I told Mr Man that I had no idea but would have thought they would be £60 each. But, ever the dutiful and awesome sales assistant, I said I could phone my manager and asked. So I did. I had to run downstairs to the phone and call my assistant manager on her mobile - thus leaving the shop floor devoid of shop assistants and only two volunteers there. These volunteers, although being utterly fabulous in every single way, do not work the till. So I knew there would be a huge till queue forming. And having confirmed with the assistant manager that even though it was supposed to be £60 each, we probably wouldn't sell them for that so should sell them for £60 each.

So I went back upstairs to be greeted by the heaving masses and that bloody till queue and told Mr Man the deal. He then decided to haggle with me. Yes, we are a charity shop (not telling you which one cos it said in my contract I'm not allowed to write anything bad about them and I probably already have somewhere and I presume they have eyes everywhere and am not willing to risk that. Kidding, I actually work for MI5) but even charity shops have pricing guidelines and rules and shit. 

I was getting so pissed off. I'd already had to strip down to a vest top as I was getting way too hot - therefore exposing my other tattoo which is tiny and not obvious at all but people, especially older ones, get very judgeypants so I try to avoid it when I'm at work. Anyway so I was obviously looking very stressed and worried and not impressed with any of the goings on. Eventually I agreed that, yes he could have them for £50 just so he would get out. As much as I do not like admitting defeat, I knew it would go on for ages. 

So he bought his bloody puppets and fannyed about with wrapping them and shit then left all jolly-like as if nothing had happened and he'd just gone into a shop and bought something and not left the poor assistant DISTRAUGHT.

Anyway, Tall Australian had evidently come in during this debacle so once I'd cleared my queue and re-shirted, he came up to the counter and was all like, gday.

I'm so tired after writing that rant about the Indonesian cocking puppets that I can't even remember what I was going to say about Tall Australian. Except I'm pretty sure he's going to propose to me in the next few weeks. I'll keep you posted.

Even Augustine (one of the volunteers) noticed that Tall Australian was being all flirtypants. He found it highly amusing so I yelled at him and threw a soft toy elephant at his head. Always the professional.

Oh! I also nearly killed a child today and felt so bad I gave his Dad £1 off the jeans he was buying. I'm just a decent human being, I really am.

Those fucking puppets. I swear to God.

Bitches Be Procrastinating

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Why on Earth did I think it a good idea to go to university and therefore be required to write multiple essays? Pretty sure that's the dumbest thing I've ever done. And I've done some pretty stupid things. See: all my other posts ever.

It's ridiculous, I shouldn't be complaining at all - especially since this essay is a mere 1500 words. That's hardly anything. I don't want to think about the exam where I'll have 2 hours to write 2 essays. I've spent a good 5 hours on this already. And that was just fucking about reading the play and finding critical essays to quote.

I'M SO BORED.

Everything in my life at this current moment in time - barring how ridiculously festive my kitchen is - is boring. Okay, seriously, the kitchen though? Looks incrediballs. I'm straining my eyes as I type just so I don't have to have the main ceiling light on and can instead bask in the magical glory of the fairy lights I hung up the other day. Our Weaselbum (Ron Weasley to you) has his Santa hat and tinsel scarf on whilst Bondydong Cabbagepatch (Benedict Cumberbatch to those as yet unenlightened to the never-ending joy of B.C nicknames) is just a big tinsel ball with an extremely handsome head.

See for yourselves:

This is my beloved Princess Sparkle (please tell me someone gets the O.C. reference) with her trusty tequila sombrero. What, you're telling me that other people have stars or angels on top of their Christmas trees? Amateurs.

Also note creepy Channing in the background. Not seen are his carefully crafted devil horns that I made from a Post-It note for Halloween. God, I'm artistic.

Denzel is the newest addition to our humble abode. When the Christmas/Birthday Tree isn't there (we put it up on our birthdays and put presents underneath. Well, the birthday fairy does. Birthday Trees are a thing. I refuse to believe otherwise. When it's Christmastime, we put baubles and Princess Sparkle on it. Because logic) there was just a big space. So I found Denzel at work and decided he must be mine. Because why wouldn't you? He's marvellous.

This wall is shit. It's too big, you can't make it look good. But yes, there's Weaselbum looking magnificent as always. He's a bit like the Mona Lisa because his eyes follow you wherever you stand. It's only creepy if you think about it too much.

And here we have Bendydick Crumplesnatch. Guarding my empty wine bottles. Which I keep on the windowsill to remind me which wine is the good wine and therefore which wine to keep an eye out for in Morrisons should it ever fall under £6 again. RIP that awesome week when all the fancy wine was crazy cheap. I don't remember much of that week.

Also, above Buttercup Cumberbum is our chalkboard. Which some hilarious person cleverly named The Cumberboard. Seriously, why more people don't want to live with me, I have no idea.

My pride and joy which I skipped an English class to put up. No regrets. Our kitchen is bloody beautiful and looks like fairyland. IT LOOKS LIKE FAIRYLAND AND NO ONE CAN TELL ME OTHERWISE. My flatmates don't realise how lucky they are to live with me. You wait, when we move out, they'll be sitting in their new flats just sadly staring at all the empty space that could have been filled by fairy lights and cardboard men. Cardboard men. What's not to love?

If you say anything about the washing up, I will be so mad. I have an essay to write godammit, I can't do everything.

Okay, I think I have successfully procrastinated enough. Really I just wanted to show everyone my decorations because no one else seems to appreciate them. I'm starting to believe there is no one in this world as festive as me. 

And if you dare say anything about how it's not even December and therefore I shouldn't be decorating, you can take a long stick and shove it where the sun don't shine. Unless you're into that, in which case I shall think of another more suitable punishment. I believe that decorating is allowed from the 25th of November and so we'll hear no more about it. Right, bugger off you kinky fucks. I have an essay to complete.

Oh! One last thing - I recently (2 hours ago) rediscovered my love of Riverdance and this may or may not be the reason I have done fuck all in the past while (2 hours)...

You are so welcome for this. 

Michael Flately 4 Lyf.

Part Deux - Slightly Drunk And Way Too Emotional

So he left. And I cried. I wailed like a baby and could not stop. Once I'd calmed down enough to stop wailing (but still crying) I made myself a drink and decided to go to the beach once I'd finished it. You know I bloody love the beach. So I told Sophie and her boyfriend where I was going and set off.

And as soon as I was out the house, I texted LB.

Because I had thought of something. I had a proposition for him. I thought maybe, we could just forget about the feelings and just be casual fuck buddies. Right? Makes sense, right? (Now is not the time to tell me that makes no sense at all). Because I am slightly drunk. As the title so rightly says. Don't worry, am trying very very hard to spellcheck errything. Bloody hate misspelled words.

Okay so he replied to this text being all intrigued and shit. So I decided to go round there. I mean, I texted him first to say I was coming round. I don't just turn up a people's doors.

But here's the part I am most ashamed of.

Troy lives a street away from me. Would that be a block away in USA terms? I've never understood that. Can someone enlighten me? So he lives a street away. On the way to the beach. So I, for some reason, thought that phoning him on the way to the beach would be an excellent idea. He said he was around so I stopped off at his,

Long story short: I kissed him. And he didn't kiss back.

Because he is a decent human being. He knows not to take advantage of someone - especially when they are drunk and considering he still likes me... And he didn't kiss me back. And I felt so embarrassed. So embarrassed.

EDIT: This post has taken me 3 days to write. So much has been going on over the past few days. So much. It is now Friday morning, I am no longer drunk.

So yes, I kissed Troy. And then I left to go to LB's.

I got round there and asked him straight out what the deal was. He said that, again, he liked me enough for a relationship but would be gone by June. I assured him I didn't want relationships because they are scarypants so he was perfectly safe there. Then we had crazy hot sex and I left the next morning. And I mean crazy hot. Bloody hell.

And I was fine with it. Despite the fact I had told him to leave - a fact he was very impressed with - and then immediately went round to his which basically almost put me back to square one. But I was totally fine with it. I had gotten all the feelings part out the way and we were just going to continue having occasional crazy hot sex.

Then I had a pregnancy scare.

Chyeah. That's a thing. That happened.

Just to clear things up now - I am not pregnant. Nor do I intend to be for quite some time. But when you're a girl, you know when something's not right. I had been so over-emotional the past few weeks and my skin was going crazy and I'd been eating everything in existence. Things that don't normally happen were happening. So yes, I freaked out. And I got drunk. Obviously.

And I happened to text LB. Telling him I might be pregnant. I know, I know. Possibly one of the most idiotic things I could have done. But I have no idea how to tell you how I was feeling then. I felt lost. So, so lost and confused about everything that was happening in my life. Not just men (as much as this blog likes to make it look the opposite, I do actually have other things going on in my life that don't have penises) but everything.

So yes, I told him. And he freaked out. And I got mad at him. I got mad at him for freaking out because of course he would - the self absorbed fuck. So I told him that even if I was pregnant. he'd get off scot free because I would give him the chance to fuck off and have nothing to do with it. He could carry on doing his lawyerly thing and fucking about with many other girls and he wouldn't need to worry. So for once, would he be a decent man and think about how I'm feeling.

God, I am the worst when drunk.

He understandably got even madder. And came round. I wouldn't let him in the house because I was being a strong independent woman so we had a huge argument outside. I cried. I didn't (and still don't) understand what he wanted from me. He didn't have a clear point to make other than I had made him feel like shit. Poor, delicate flower. Then we went inside to bed. I was so emotionally and physically exhausted by then that he could have suggested we move to China and I would have agreed as long as there was a bed waiting for me at the other end.

And all night, he held me. He has never done that before. Ever. We have slept together (sleeping) a lot. And not once have I woken up in the night or in the morning to his arms around me. And it's not like he's just moving in the night. We never went to sleep in each other's arms. Perfect guy, huh?

But despite that, I woke up feeling that none of this was right. I kicked him out at midday. I kicked him out nearly 2 hours ago. I've blocked his number. I think I've sworn off men.

Because my friends were right. He was unhealthy for me. I had lost all sense of who I was since being with him. And, as I told him when we were arguing, I was so not in love with him. I had just put him up on a pedestal and I hadn't wanted to let him go because he was Lawyer Boy. And he had wanted me.

When he left today, it was very TGI-esque. He got dressed and I tried to just shut my eyes and go back to sleep. And he turned at the door and said 'bye'. I didn't reply. So he walked out.

'Bye'. That was it.

I'm glad. I'm glad this ended after such a short time. I mean, only 2 months isn't that bad. And now I can just do other stuff right? Other stuff...

God, I am exhausted. So, so exhausted. I want to just curl up and sleep forever. I have no emotions right now. I don't want to cry or shout. I just want to sleep.

So there we go. I wouldn't expect regular posts any time soon. I mean, I have to find another man to write about, obviously.

Now tell me, what do you think? Of this whole thing? This whole, turbulent thing? What should have I done differently (everything)?

It's a really good thing I don't have his jumper any more. It means he won't forget me all too quickly until he washes it. And I think that's fair. I think that's very fair.

I Can't Even Think Of An Appropriate Title

Holy fuck.

The past 24 hours have been an emotional bloody rollercoaster, let me tell you.

I'm going to make this as brief as I can because I am exhausted. I am exhausted from stressing, from crying and from amazing sex. Let us begin.

So I picked up an essay after class yesterday and it had such a terrible mark on it that I cancelled my study date to go home and cry over wine. Wine Time is usually 5pm. Yesterday, it was 3:30pm. No judging. It was needed. Especially since I had been texting LB on my walk back home about the possibilities of my becoming a stripper instead of studying at uni. And once I'd gotten home, I asked him to say something nice to make me feel better. He replied with;

'You are a very pretty girl with a seriously impressive drinking problem?'

I genuinely collapsed on the floor and wailed. The mix of the sudden compliment, the bad mark and the stress of worrying why I was actually at university just got to me. And I cried so hard. Whilst sober. That is such a rare occurrence, I shocked myself and my flatmate when she got home. I am not pretty whilst crying. At all. It's quite horrifying.

Anyway, Sophie and I devised a cunning plan. I would get LB round to collect his jumper. Sophie would open the door looking scary and punk and I would be in my room looking crazy fuckable. I would get him to read the gas meter (it's in a corner of my room where I am pretty sure all the world's spiders reside at some point in their lives) and then I would throw him out with his jumper and yell at him about how I deserved better.

And it nearly worked. Soph looked scary, I looked hot, the gas meter was read and then the issue arose. I didn't bank on him staying. I thought he would leave. He didn't. So I went into the kitchen where Soph and her boyfriend were and panicked. She told me to just tell him that he shouldn't dick me about any more and to get out. So I went back into my room and told him. I told him that I wasn't going to do this any more, that I deserved better and if he was never ever going to be a dick to me again, he could stay. But if he was going to fuck me about, he should leave.

He looked at me and said that, by my standards, he was probably going to be a dick to me again even if he didn't mean to. So I just looked back and said; 'Well you know where the door is' and left to go into the kitchen. Seriously, it was like something out of a film.

I went into the kitchen and stood at the door while tears starting filling my eyes. Two minutes later, I heard our door go and then the front door shut. And I broke down completely. He'd gone.



To be continued..

Ya Hunky Funk

EDIT:  I scheduled this post yesterday morning. I didn't realise I would write another post that same day. I think most of this still makes sense. Sorry not sorry. 


So I was going to write this post yesterday but, having had experience in writing whilst very hungover (hello last year's French exam), I decided to wait until I was in a sunshinier mood. Which, to an extent I am. I say to an extent because I have been awake for approximately 18 minutes after having a very stressful dream about not being able to close the shop because customers kept coming in and I couldn't get them out. There were croissants involved and I had to deduce where a soft toy elephant came from despite telling the customer over and over that we were a charity shop and I had no fucking clue. I'm getting tense just thinking about it. Although it definitely wasn't as bad as the dream I had where I discovered that my diary was actually a 2006 diary. I woke up sweating.

ANYHOODLE, I was hungover yesterday. Because Flatmate Number 1 (hereafter named FN1 because I am an original fuck) and I went out for girly drinks. Which we'd never done before so it was rather lovely. It's so nice not to get all super dressed up to go out because you're aiming to go out on the pull - also one of da clubs here doesn't let you in if you're wearing jeans. Bitch please, this is Aberdeen, you're not going to get any Chelsea types here.

Can you tell I'm in an odd mood? I'm in an odd mood.

I was round at Troy's house last night for pizza and Lord of the Rings part 2 and I'm scared he's not gotten over me. There were too many long, lingering glances when I was trying to get him to change the disc or pass me the pizza box. I definitely do not think I was encouraging it - I have been one to be a dick and encourage a boy's feelings for me* and this was most definitely not one of those times.

*Sidebar: I was/am a manipulative bumhole.

Anyway, Troy aside, FN1 and I were at the bar in the castle (it's so cool, all gothic-y and shit. We were there for Halloween and it was fabby) and had just walked out of the toilets (concealed behind a fake bookcase) when we noticed a hunky looking blonde looking our way. I have never used the word 'hunky' until FN1 and I were in our English tutorial writing notes to each other like mature students. There's a rugby player in our class called Adam and he is bloody gorgeous. One of FN1's notes to me was something along the lines of 'yaaass roll up those sleeves ya hunky fuck' which made me snort laugh so uncontrollably, I got a major death stare (*salutes* Major Death Stare) from the professor.

We find it even funnier now since I was saying how much of a hunky fuck he was when we were back home and, as per usual, fucked it up so ended up saying 'hunky funk'. It's funny. Come on. Funny. Hunky funk. Instead of fuck. Funny. I'm funny,

Right so Blonde Hunk at the bar. We went to get drinks and - prepare yourselves for this - I winked at him across the bar. WINKED!! I have never done such a thing in my life!! My preferred method to getting guys when I'm out is to get horrifically drunk, wear a short dress and throw myself at them before they even have time to say 'I'm gay'.

No comment.

Yes, so Blonde Hunk. After being a brazen wench, FN1 and I went to sit down. And we lost him. So after I took some hilarious snapchats on her phone whilst she went to pee (thinking back on it, the one of my boobs with '#topflatmate' written above was not my best idea) we went to the vodka bar down the road. As we sat there unashamedly not drinking vodka, he walked past us and sat down at one of the booths. Naturally we decided to move from the bar with our many drinks and sit down next to them.

Oh! Oh! I forgot to say, he saw us leaving the castle bar when he was outside smoking (bleeuurrgh) and asked us where we were going. I told him that we were going to Revolution cos one of the bartenders fancied Sophie (dropping the FN1 now, it was too robotic. Also she knows I write this, I'm sure she'll give zero fucks if I use her actual name. It just sounds less fun and MI5. Oh well). And he turned and said, 'who fancies you then' and I was all, 'I don't know, you'll have to tell me' and flounced off and it was awesome. Even if I do say so myself. Thank you, myself.

So, back to the vodka bar. We were sitting next to them and I had my back turned and was chatting to Sophie. Then he took my hand. And, there's no easy way to say this but we were, as Soph said: hand fucking. NOT WHAT YOU THINK YOU DIRTY MINDED SODS. More like playing with each other's hands. You know? And I was being super cool by still not looking at him and having a nonchalant but actually very frantic conversation with Soph about whether or not I wanted to sleep with him. I mean, I didn't. For one thing, he smoked (bleeeeeeuuuurrggghhhhh) and also I just kinda wasn't feeling it. But I would have done. I was considering it. Not only was he hunky hot but I felt it would show LB that I could get another guy and I wasn't hung up on him. LB wasn't there, by the way. This was all in my head.

Anyway, Soph convinced me that was a dumb fucking idea and we should leave. So I agreed and got up to put my coat on. She said she was going to tell him what a dick he was and I was like, fine but let me do something first. So, being the awesome fuck I am, I leant over and kissed him. Then walked off as Sophie berated him for being an arse and told him I'd only kissed him because I was vulnerable. She's the bestest.

Then we drank some more and I do not remember the rest of the night. As per usual.

I am also rather annoyed I didn't sleep with him because, from what I can recall, he was quite the hunk.

So I have successfully made a very insignificant event into a full blog post. Well done me, Thank you, me. I think I just wanted to show that I could have. I could have slept with him and therefore shown that I'm not hung up on LB and his stupid frustratingness. He's so bloody annoying and arrogant and full of himself and gives zero fucks about me.

Hey ho. I'm going to shower and listen to Joni Mitchell as I clean the flat. Sometimes I shock myself how like my mother I am becoming. But Joni Mitchell always calms you down. It's proven fact. She also makes you reconsider your entire life so I would prepare yourselves.

Was this the longest and most boring post ever? Probably. Not even sorry. My blog, my rules.

Unrelated and unnecessary Harry Potter in my posts is my new favourite thing. Even better than pugs.