Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Jackhammering And Otters

Oh Tall Australian, you had such potential. It's such a shame you turned into a weird-ass motherfucker.

I may be slightly late in writing this as have been very busy and important not doing anything. Oh, breaking my bed. Yes I was very busy breaking my bed. Not in that way, dirty sods. No, I sat on it. And it broke. I feel that something is telling me to lose weight... I am currently sleeping on a mattress on the floor which is rather comfy but I know it can't last. I'll revert into my 80 year old tendencies and my back will hurt every time I get up in the morning. I'll start walking about with one hand in the small of my back and yell at small children if they cross my path. Basically I've bought another bed to avoid said scenario.

But on the subject of beds - Tall Australian.

So I got rather drunk last Friday night... Not horribly drunk to have no idea what I was doing but drunk enough to not realise what bad choices were. Or realising and being too drunk to care. Anyway, I went round to Tall Australians. Or rather, I texted him and he came and drove me to his. That was a bit weird. I mean, it was past midnight and he was already in bed. He actually got out of bed and got dressed to come and take drunk me from my house back to his. It was weird.

Anyway, I slept with him (obviously because I am always a drunk slut) and that was also weird. Not to be too graphic but you know those big pneumatic drills that men in hi-vis neon jackets use on roads...? I felt like I was the road.

I wish I was exaggerating. But this is pretty much an accurate depiction. 

Now this is not referring to size. Rather... Strength. It was bloody exhausting getting - for want of a better word - jackhammered. And he woke me up for a second time. I'm sorry gentlemen but that is not on. Not. On. I need my beauty sleep - which you should be very respectful of considering you've got to wake up next to my face.

So yes, after the drilling episode (it's how I imagine a blow up sex doll feels) I decided to end it. Not just the drilling. He was also just weird. I can't quite put my finger on it but something about him was off. So despite the shit tonne of stars, I'm going with my gut instinct instead.

On to more fun things - I successfully managed to text flirt yesterday. I don't know how you lot on Tinder and the likes manage it. I am not really a flirty person. Well, I can do eye flirting and like, teasing kind of flirting in person. But over text? Nah. But somehow I vaguely managed to text flirt with Slains Dinosaur. About my broken bed. Naturally.

Also I got drunk last night - as per usual - and ended up messaging LB at 3am. I know, I know, save your judgey judgeyness for later. But it wasn't a message of undying love or anything weird. No, it was about otters. And it turned out that he was online and more than happy to discuss otters and the otter kingdom in general. I think it's quite rare to be able to message someone like LB completely out of the blue about otters and get this message as part of the conversation:

I'll try my best, you are kinda enemy no1 though, right beside that guy who breaks otter dams

Anyway, I'm being good and just leaving it at that. Really. Because I never wanted all this to get as complex as it did and am damn sure it won't again. Ha. Damn sure. Like a dam. Otters. Right? Right?!

Comical genius right here.


  1. You are the funniest.

    I'm not surprised about your Australian. I didn't like him at all...all that business about, "I climbed Mt Kilimanjaro to save a lion cub, while I was up there, I translated one of Pound's Cantos into Bantu then, after doing a 1000 push-ups, I jogged all the way back down."

    Prick. Way too much dig my life...especially for a first date. A woman should leave a first date feeling like she is the most fascinating person in the world...not like she needs to do sit ups. Prick.

    Then to find out he's not anymore subtle in the bedroom...shocking. I have not always been the sober-ish, sober like, sober in spirit...yeah...sober in spirit person you see before you today. I spent my early 20's as a soldier in Germany...let's just say I was ill behaved for most of that time. I know the idea of sleeping with one person for the rest of your life is presented as horrifying these days but, I gotta tell you....I never came across anything on the street or in a club that comes close to what you can do after decades with the same person. Never. Just been my personal experience.

    Awkward hook ups and people who, frankly, didn't know what they were doing....y'all can have it. :)

    1. Pahaha, that brightened my day. Which needed brightening as I had made the most incredible brunch and then promptly managed to burst open the ground pepper which went all over everything rendering it all inedible. I could have cried.

      Yes, I am quite bored with hook ups in general. Good thing I'll be returning to my hometown for New Year where the sheep outnumber the men. Not that I'll be sleeping with sheep. I mean I just won't be sleeping with the men. Good grief.