Why Right Now At University Kinda Fucking Sucks

Now I wouldn't call this drunk blogging as such... Maybe we'll just stick with tipsy. Does an entire bottle of wine and an oddly delicious mixture of tequila (obvs), peach schnapps and apple and raspberry juice count as tipsy? We'll work with what we've got.

Here's the honest to God, actual, true as fuck deal. I have literally no idea what is going on in my life right now. So I am going to ramble at you. Bear with.

So I mentioned in my last post (possibly, who can be fucked checking?) that I wasn't sure about university. I am studying English literature and it's just not right for me. To put it mildly. I cannot think the way they want me to think. To put it simply; right now, I have more of a mathematic brain than a literature brain. At this current moment in time, I am much more suited to the way of thinking that involves rights and wrongs. I am not down with theological essays debating the merits of Frankenstein.

But this never used to be the case! I was always fucking awesome at English. English was my thing. I was going to successfully move out of a small town and go to university and be the greatest thing that had ever come out of my said small town. That was what I was kinda destined to be. Ish. So maybe not the greatest thing. Just a thing that didn't stay in the small town and get pregnant by whatever small town boy I went to high school with. I mean, seriously. It is utterly ridiculous the amount of pregnancies that have occurred in my hometown at my age. About 10% of my year got pregnant at around 17. That's about 20 girls. In a town of 8,000 that's a hell of a lot. This is why I'm so pleased I got out of there.

But now I'm in Aberdeen. I'm at university like I was supposed to be. I'm halfway through my 2nd year. And it fucking sucks. Because I have lost all motivation and general interest in my course. I do not want to be at university right now.

I think of it like... You're in a job that you hate for another 2 years. And you know you can leave this job and find another one in a completely different career. You know it's not the most sensible thing to do; leave your job for another uncertain job but it's what will make you happy.

I cried non stop for about 3 hours tonight as I was stressing like I have never stressed before over university and my future. My mother wants me to stay on and do one more year so I can come out with a degree. It makes sense. That is the sensible thing to do. Nowadays, employers look for degrees, regardless of what they're in. But the idea of even one more year at university terrifies me. Right now, I hate university. I have absolutely no interest in staying but I thought that yes, the sensible thing to do would be to continue on and do my 3rd year.

But I cannot bear that thought right now. I honestly cannot bear the thought of even staying on an extra week. I do not want to stay at something that makes me unhappy. I feel I am young enough (and able enough) to make the decision to not continue something that makes me unhappy. And I honestly am unhappy. I am not the type of person to get stressed about something. But I have been so unbelievably stressed these past few weeks that I don't know how much longer I can handle it for.

If you asked me honestly where I'd like to be right now, I would tell you: Paris. Paris is where I would like to be right now. I have been to Paris once and I fell in love with it. I could see myself living there. My friends could see me living there. And hopefully my family could see me living there too. I would love to have a tiny garret apartment up by the Moulin Rouge. I would love to be able to take picnics by the Eiffel Tower. I would love to wander through the antique markets and stop off to see the view at the Sacre Coeur. I feel that Paris is kind of a part of me. Is that very weird and white girl of me? I don't think so. I think it feels like home.

So I would, quite frankly, like nothing more than to leave university right now. To work in Aberdeen for a year and a half and save up some money. To become... I don't know... An au pair in Paris. Yes, these are very romantic dreams at the moment. I know I haven't yet thought through the logistics. But if it's something that would make me happy, then isn't it worth it?

And Mum, I know it's not the sensible thing to do. But if I have to stay another year at university, I think I will go utterly insane. I will lose what little sense of self I have left. I always told you to let me make my own mistakes and I am very much aware that this could be a huge mistake. But I am sensible. And I could deal with the consequences. And right now, I would much prefer to be happy than crying my eyes out alone at the kitchen table.

Also, SD? He is perfect. He has been perfect. He is just... I don't even know. He's the real deal. I can envision a proper, legitimate future with this man. I could honestly, at some point in the very near future, be in love with this man. Right now, he is keeping me sane. I have never felt like this before but it feels so right and natural. And he will be back onshore in approximately 24 hours. I cannot fucking wait.

What do you think? Do you think I should be sensible? Or should I think that life is fucking short and I should damn well live it? Or am I being a complete idiot in every single way? I need your help... Please help.

In Other News

Today has already started off to be a rather bloody good day. So, instead of writing my essay, I'm going to make you read shit. And then I'll start my essay. 

In other news, I think SD is my soulmate. Why? Because we both secretly (not so secretly now) watch Air Crash Investigation and find it the most incredible programme ever. If that's not soulmate material, I don't know what is.

I dig him. He romances so good.

Aberdeen was looking rather marvellous the other day when it wasn't grey and miserable. This was when I was being a lonely wifey before the dog turned up.

#nofilter. That's what the thing is right? Also SD is on one of those teeny tiny boats. Which are not so teeny tiny close up. Obviously. Also I filtered the fuck out of this picture on my Instagram... I am utterly shit at Instagram but I try. Also I do not understand hashtags for the life of me,

My flatmate baked biscuits the other day. I feel that one of the reasons I live with her is for her baking. Also the fact that she buys me wine. Anyway, she made a biscuit in the shape of a boat. And drew a tiny icing dinosaur on it. Just for me.

Yaaaasss good quality photos. But fo realz. It's SD on his boat. Come ON. 

And finally, because I really need to start essay writing, I was an awesome flatmate and took all the bins out this morning. Also I was an awesome adult because I actually remembered when the bins were getting collected. I picked out the first pair of shoes I found because I wasn't going out to the bin in bare feet and unwittingly turned into a fashion blogger.

I think you'll find that all good fashion bloggers pose with their bins. Also if anyone's interested, these are my Emergency Summer Wedding Heels. I found them on sale for £5 a few months ago and obviously bought them because you never know when you might be invited to a summer wedding. I have never been to a summer wedding and nor shall I in the foreseeable near future. But that doesn't matter because when I do get an invite, I will already have my shoes. So if anyone is going to a summer wedding and needs a date... I am very much prepared.

Now fuck off and let me do my essay.

Oh I Can't Be Fucked Thinking Of A Title..

..So sue me.

I get way too emotionally attached.

I always thought I was all aloof and cool and giving no fucks whatsoever about the various men coming in and out of my life.

But TGI unexpectedly popped up on my Facebook newsfeed just now. I'm not friends with him on Facebook so it's not like this is a regular occurrence. But some photos of him and a bunch of other people I used to know in first year turned up. And of course I went through them. Who isn't a little bit self destructive?

And I cried.

I mean, I know I'm hormonal at the moment and have just watched a very stressful episode of Grey's Anatomy; I'm aware of this. But something just got to me. Don't get me wrong, it's not like it was regret or 'the one that got away' type of crap. It was more like... Melancholy.. Memories? Remembering? I don't know. It was a weird fucker of a feeling.

However I am liking SD more and more as time goes by. And I mean, time has really fucking gone by. It's been exactly a month since I've seen him. An entire month of him being on a ship in the middle of the sea. But I would honestly, right now, consider doing an Ariel and giving my voice to the sexy badass that is Ursula, just so I could have SD back right now.

I need hugs, tequila and someone to stroke my hair and tell me I'm pretty. Also he smells good so that's also a plus.

It's ridiculous - he's only a few miles away. I can walk to the beach and see his boat. I went to the beach the other day and gazed out at it like a lonely wife. For about 30 seconds. Because I got distracted by a dog. And forgot all about SD. 

Anyway, I am going to hunt for something vaguely chocolatey in the kitchen (do not judge if it turns out to be Baileys) and then snuggle up in my lonely, empty bed. Although let's be honest, SD doesn't even fit in my bed. He has to contort himself into weird angles while I just sleep blissfully unaware... Maybe I should take a jigsaw to the footboard at the end of my bed?

Unnecessary Life Catch Up

What up fuckers! I am in a surprisingly good mood. It finally feels like Friday (I know it is Friday but sometimes Fridays don't even feel like Fridays and I'm pretty sure Wednesday went on for about three days). I have done the grand total of absolutely fuck all this week. As ever. In fact, the only reason I might go to my Literature class today is if Sophie wakes up in time to dye my hair.

I am hormonal and full of the worst cold in the world possibly ever. I'm pretty sure I have sneezed roughly six million times this morning alone. My body is showing the signs of my hormonal stress eating but I have decided I do not give a flying fuck. I can work on my thighs when the rest of my life gets its shit together. Also I read this which was linked from Hey Natalie Jean (possibly one of my favourite blogs in the entire universe and I wish I had an effortlessly cool Brooklyn apartment, adorable kid and manly ginger husband) and it made me feel better about my Australia-sized thighs.

I've been spending my days having Grey's Anatomy marathons. And updating SD on what's been happening in said marathons. Not that he's ever asked or is interested at all. But since I appear to be having a bit of a moment about gorgeous, rugged ginger army doctors... He has to as well. Right?

Ugh. Just look at that manly gingerness. JUST LOOK.

Speaking of SD, I know you're dying to know what's been happening... 

I decided to not be a dick. I stopped texting TBB and instead drank wine and tequila last night (not mixed together; even I'd draw the line somewhere) and messaged SD. TBB was just a minor panic moment and I'm over it now. Someone else will just have to appreciate his teddy bear-ness because I have a very tall navigation officer that I would like to hang onto thank you very much.

We still haven't found a flat yet. Not SD and I. Calm your pants. I know no one really puts up flats six months in advance but I always have high hopes every time I go online to look. I'd just feel so much more secure if we had one, you know? Sophie and I are getting really excited though. Sophie's very much looking forward to the prospect of having a double bed. I am very much looking forward to having a garden gnome by the front door. We were in Morrisons yesterday and there were gnomes for sale because Spring and shit and I really want one. I said I'd get Sophie one for her birthday in March. Like a joint birthday present... That I would slowly commandeer. And they're hilarious. You can get some right fucking dumb ones. I love them.

I want one like that. I'd call him Ivan. In a past life, he would have been a gymnast

.I'm working this weekend as usual and then it's back to uni... And essay writing week is starting. God, the fucking horror. I am so bored of uni. And my course. I mean, you take an English Literature course because you like reading and then you realise that you've actually got to analyse why Shakespeare mentioned a crow in Act 2 Scene 3 of Macbeth and then a dove two pages later and if this has significance in that one tiny line in Scene 6 and does it have an impact on the world as we know it. My mind just doesn't work like that! I just think, like.. No. No it fucking doesn't. He probably just wanted to talk about the birds because it was relevant to whatever the fuck he was thinking. I hate Shakespeare.

I would like nothing more than to just be lying on a beach somewhere warm right now. Preferably somewhere in Greece. Maybe with the cast of Mamma Mia! performing off in the distance. Or just Colin Firth. I bloody love Colin Firth.

I shall repeat: I bloody love Colin Firth.

Also when looking at gnomes online (don't you start judgey judging - I have no shame), I came across this. This person knows what the fuck is up. I only wish I'd thought of it first.

Have a good weekend, losers.

Lord Dick of Dickington

So here's the deal.

I told SD that I wanted to sleep with TBB. And he got all kinds of mad and sad.

Still not over the Lee Pace thing. This may continue for quite some time.

He basically told me that he was thinking he should be ending... Whatever we had going on. But he couldn't because he liked me too much. He hoped that this was just a one off and he would be back soon so hopefully I wouldn't have to think about other guys.

I know right. He's so cool. And I'm an actual arsewank. 

And I know, I know, I know that I should not let this one get away. Because I can actually like, envision a future with this thing. I really want him to be back onshore so I can confirm this fact.

However...

I got a drunk text from TBB last night. I love drunk texts. Drunk texts are my favourite. Anyway, the text in question was something along the lines of 'I would very much like to have the sex with you my fair maiden at a time around about now.'*

*Not a direct quote.

And I've been thinking about it.

Yep, you read that correctly. I am Lord Dick of Dickington. 

Why the fuck would I be thinking about meeting TBB for sex when clearly I like like SD and he like likes me? What is even wrong with me at this current moment in time? Because there must be something.

Am I scared? Is that it? Am I scared of committing to SD? Cos I kinda feel like this Thing will be a Proper Thing if I don't screw up the Thing by letting TBB's thing anywhere near my thing.

Which I won't, right? I'll see sense, won't I? SD will come back and all my worries about everything will just happily vanish...

Ugh, maybe I should just eat my thoughts for TBB? I mean, it's Pancake Day, I'm allowed to put copious amount of sugar into my body. I think that's what I'll do. Only until SD comes back and rights all the wrongs. 

Oh dear. I'll keep you updated.