Thursday, 26 February 2015

Why Right Now At University Kinda Fucking Sucks

Now I wouldn't call this drunk blogging as such... Maybe we'll just stick with tipsy. Does an entire bottle of wine and an oddly delicious mixture of tequila (obvs), peach schnapps and apple and raspberry juice count as tipsy? We'll work with what we've got.

Here's the honest to God, actual, true as fuck deal. I have literally no idea what is going on in my life right now. So I am going to ramble at you. Bear with.

So I mentioned in my last post (possibly, who can be fucked checking?) that I wasn't sure about university. I am studying English literature and it's just not right for me. To put it mildly. I cannot think the way they want me to think. To put it simply; right now, I have more of a mathematic brain than a literature brain. At this current moment in time, I am much more suited to the way of thinking that involves rights and wrongs. I am not down with theological essays debating the merits of Frankenstein.

But this never used to be the case! I was always fucking awesome at English. English was my thing. I was going to successfully move out of a small town and go to university and be the greatest thing that had ever come out of my said small town. That was what I was kinda destined to be. Ish. So maybe not the greatest thing. Just a thing that didn't stay in the small town and get pregnant by whatever small town boy I went to high school with. I mean, seriously. It is utterly ridiculous the amount of pregnancies that have occurred in my hometown at my age. About 10% of my year got pregnant at around 17. That's about 20 girls. In a town of 8,000 that's a hell of a lot. This is why I'm so pleased I got out of there.

But now I'm in Aberdeen. I'm at university like I was supposed to be. I'm halfway through my 2nd year. And it fucking sucks. Because I have lost all motivation and general interest in my course. I do not want to be at university right now.

I think of it like... You're in a job that you hate for another 2 years. And you know you can leave this job and find another one in a completely different career. You know it's not the most sensible thing to do; leave your job for another uncertain job but it's what will make you happy.

I cried non stop for about 3 hours tonight as I was stressing like I have never stressed before over university and my future. My mother wants me to stay on and do one more year so I can come out with a degree. It makes sense. That is the sensible thing to do. Nowadays, employers look for degrees, regardless of what they're in. But the idea of even one more year at university terrifies me. Right now, I hate university. I have absolutely no interest in staying but I thought that yes, the sensible thing to do would be to continue on and do my 3rd year.

But I cannot bear that thought right now. I honestly cannot bear the thought of even staying on an extra week. I do not want to stay at something that makes me unhappy. I feel I am young enough (and able enough) to make the decision to not continue something that makes me unhappy. And I honestly am unhappy. I am not the type of person to get stressed about something. But I have been so unbelievably stressed these past few weeks that I don't know how much longer I can handle it for.

If you asked me honestly where I'd like to be right now, I would tell you: Paris. Paris is where I would like to be right now. I have been to Paris once and I fell in love with it. I could see myself living there. My friends could see me living there. And hopefully my family could see me living there too. I would love to have a tiny garret apartment up by the Moulin Rouge. I would love to be able to take picnics by the Eiffel Tower. I would love to wander through the antique markets and stop off to see the view at the Sacre Coeur. I feel that Paris is kind of a part of me. Is that very weird and white girl of me? I don't think so. I think it feels like home.

So I would, quite frankly, like nothing more than to leave university right now. To work in Aberdeen for a year and a half and save up some money. To become... I don't know... An au pair in Paris. Yes, these are very romantic dreams at the moment. I know I haven't yet thought through the logistics. But if it's something that would make me happy, then isn't it worth it?

And Mum, I know it's not the sensible thing to do. But if I have to stay another year at university, I think I will go utterly insane. I will lose what little sense of self I have left. I always told you to let me make my own mistakes and I am very much aware that this could be a huge mistake. But I am sensible. And I could deal with the consequences. And right now, I would much prefer to be happy than crying my eyes out alone at the kitchen table.

Also, SD? He is perfect. He has been perfect. He is just... I don't even know. He's the real deal. I can envision a proper, legitimate future with this man. I could honestly, at some point in the very near future, be in love with this man. Right now, he is keeping me sane. I have never felt like this before but it feels so right and natural. And he will be back onshore in approximately 24 hours. I cannot fucking wait.

What do you think? Do you think I should be sensible? Or should I think that life is fucking short and I should damn well live it? Or am I being a complete idiot in every single way? I need your help... Please help.


  1. OK, small truth, I also fucking hated university. Looking back on it now I can say it was great (because there were some great points of it - mainly the student union and the sleeping til 3pm and the fact my 2nd year tutor had no idea who I was when I walked in halfway through the year because I always prioritised pub over seminars) and I miss it, but while I was there, it was awful. Like, really awful. I had depression and I struggled a lot, and I almost quit.

    BUT. I stayed on, because it's true what you've said about employers caring whether or not you have a degree. And I'm glad I did - I wouldn't be living the life I am now if I'd left uni when I wanted to, and although I don't love what I do now at least I'm not working full time in a bar (just part time, on top of another job, because london = expensive) wondering what might have been

    chin up young person, think of all the hot men you'd miss if you went home xx

    1. Yeah but think about all the hot FRENCH men I'd find if I went to France instead...
      No, I know that staying is the sensible thing to do. But I cannot bear that thought. I just don't see why I should stay at something that's making me unhappy?
      I'll work something out after I've seen SD tonight and drank aaaalll the tequila.
      Eeeeeee I'm all excited.

  2. I quit uni in my first year. It made me so so depressed that I stopped eating, developed some serious medical issues and my Mum had to stage an intervention and bring me home.

    It is honestly my biggest regret. I'm 23 in a few weeks and I'm finally earning the wage a graduate would earn with a 2:2. I cannot hope to earn a decent wage for another 5 or 6 years because I don't have a BA after my name. I want to move to London more than anything in the world but every single job I want to apply for requires a degree, just to prove that you're intelligent. Not even for the actual roll itself, you just have to be degree educated (or have 5 years experience within your chosen field - I have like 1 year give or take a few months). I'm basically at the point in my life where my friends are all moving away, getting great jobs and careers and making something of themselves post graduation, and I am still living in the horrendous town I grew up in, despising my life and I'm stuck here for the forseeable future.

    If giving up uni is truly what you want then you need to follow your heart, but before you do you need to really consider the implications on your future. Your immediate future not so much, but how you'll feel in 5 or 6 years time.

    Good luck with whatever you decide though :) And I really hope none of the above sounded ranty, because it wasn't supposed to sound ranty :p

    LJLV | UK Personal Style

    1. That's all true (and not ranty!) and I know I need to think more about my future. But also kinda can't future Nancy just deal with all this...? Present Nancy just wants to drink tequila and watch Grey's Anatomy without feeling guilty.
      Yeah, I think I'll do that for a bit 'til I figure more stuff out...

  3. I definitely recommend sticking it out but changing your course. Now you've done a year and a half of one course they'll take you in to 2nd year of a different one - yes it might mean an extra year in the long run if they won't let you start until September, but you might find you actually like uni with a different subject. Or, honestly, stick with English Lit and just accept that you and everyone else are making shit up. I did German and Spanish at Aberdeen, and also French Lit in first year, and they're just the same. One of the main (and useful) things uni taught me is how to bullshit convincingly enough to get by.
    Another thing to think about is you might still have time to apply to do your 3rd year abroad on an Erasmus placement - so you could get your fun break in France at the same time as getting another year of uni out the way.
    Hope that helps a little!

    1. Literature is total bullshit, isn't it?
      I still don't know. Everyone's telling me to do the sensible thing and I know that's the right thing to do.. But I just don't want to.
      Oh well, student or not, there's always tequila <3