Finally A True Cat Lady

Hello! Tis I! The useless blogger! Remember me?!

Today, lovely people, I would like you to meet Eskie.

OMG WE HAVE A CAT NOW AND HOW HAVE I NOT DOCUMENTED THIS AT ALL EVER HERE?!!!!!!!!

 HE IS THE FLUFFIEST FATTEST BALL OF SMOOSH THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN. I HAVE NEVER FELT A LOVE LIKE THIS.

We got him from the RSPCA (or, as I like to think of it, he was gifted to us from the gods above) about 3 months ago. The nice RSPCA lady/god told us that he was called Perry and had actually been rescued from a drug den.

I know!! This stupid wonky eyed fluffball had been a drug lord's pet. To be fair, he probably was THE drug lord.

It was actually Ryan who first spotted him as I had already decided I really wanted a black cat and so I didn't even bother looking at any others.

This was taken the night we brought him home. Safe to say, he loves Ryan a lot.

We've put him on a bit of a diet and exercise regime as he's rather on the large side. He's not quite into the whole exercise thing yet...

We named him Eskie which is short for Escobar which is in turn short for Pablo Escobar. The famous drug lord. Right?!! RIGHT?!! Hilarious.

Last picture, I promise.

He is my sweet baby child and the love of my life. He is also in a grump because he loves sitting on the laptop and I pushed him off to write this.

Cat lady dreams have been realised.

Happy New Year And All That

What is UP fuckers? Happy New Year!! Merry Christmas!! Everything has finally slowed down enough for me to have the time to write again. Also I'd completely forgotten I even had a blog until about 3 hours ago.

So where were we, where were we?

I left Paris! I left Paris over a month ago and it's a little bit sad and a little bit weird. I miss it every now and then - I even miss the girls! Actual children! But then again, I have the bestest of lives at the moment.

I'm now living in Southampton with Ryan and it is the tits. Well not Southampton as such because bitches be real; it's not Paris. Living with A BOY is working out rather wonderfully. We have an adorable house with a garden and - get this - we're going to get a cat this month. A REAL LIFE CAT THAT WILL BE OURS AND HOLY SHIT I AM SO EXCITED I MIGHT WEE.

It's so weird and grown up having a house. Especially an unfurnished house so we've had to raid Gumtree for furniture. But I'm pretty pleased at how it's turned out so far.

The before... (and the handyman).

And the after...

We Christmassed the fuck up.

Christmas was actually really rather excellent. Because I had two. I had one very hectic actual Christmas with my family in Lincoln. 12 of us, 4 dogs and a cat in one house was a bit much for me so it was so nice to come home to Southampton with Ryan and have our own quiet Christmas. Ryan cooked and we stayed in our dressing gowns like old ladies practically all day.

I also had very wonky eyebrow game. Sisters not twins right? Very very distant sisters. Like, sisters who never really got on because one turned into a goth when she hit high school and the other was super popular.

Also we legitimately look horrendous in any photo I take of us because Ryan is so enormous (see: my arms stretched all the way out and up) and so it's an awful angle. How dare he.

I have an actual proper grown up job now too. Like, a 35 hour fo realz one. It's still in retail though which is a bit soul destroying but it's back at my old charity and I've been promoted to Assistant Manager so there's that. Ryan works funny hours as a VTS Operator (I have no idea either) so we saw each other for approximately 10 seconds today as he was in the car driving to work and I was walking home from work. 

He gets lots of days off though so we're trying to time them so we're both off and can go and do adorable things together like walks in the woods and Dunelm shopping trips and GO TO RSPCA RE-HOMING CENTRES TO LOOK FOR CATS and all the fun shit. Life's pretty damn good.

But now I'm back in ye olde Englande (and living here for the first time since I was about two) it is becoming clear to me that I am very friendless. I would even go as far to say ALL the friendless. Everyone I know is back in Scotland and I miss having friends. I mean, Ryan's all fun and games and has an excellent bottom but sometimes you need to have friend catch ups over wine with friends and wine...

So here is me putting out a friend lonely hearts advert. I'm fun to drink alcohol with and occasionally drink coffee before alcohol with and even better drink coffee and alcohol combined with. Someone please befriend me. I'm all the fun. And soon I'll have a cat. What more could anyone want?!!

So how was your Christmas? And New Year? And will anybody be my friend and/or give me a cat?

In Other News

Long time no talk chickadees! Baby I'm back!

Well back for a very short time as I have the most terrible internet that keeps cutting out every 5 minutes. It's like being back in the world of dial up.

Anyhoo, what's been happening? Tell me all!

I'm in Paris. Yep, I did it, fo realz. I am honest to God living in Paris like the artsy bohemian that I truly am... I can even see the Sacre Coeur from my window. Well, not my window. The window on the stairs up to my hovel garret. I live on the 7th floor in a studio apartment. Everything is in the one room which I am almost definitely positive is illegal. My toilet is not even a foot away from my cooker. Where food is made. That I will eat. I do not want shit particles invading my food but hey! That's what you get for deciding to come live in Paris!

What's worse than a tiny room to live in? A tiny room to live in with your 6'9 boyfriend! Yep, SD (hereafter known as R because SD is no longer a thing. Sad face. I know, life moves on, it's hard. And yes, I still get a kick out of anonymity) is staying with me. For most of the time. Right now he's away on a boat somewhere and I am bored out of my tits.

But it's all good. I still love him, even though I am acutely aware of what his poo smells (and looks) like. Although who am I kidding, we crossed that bridge in about week 2 of our relationship.

Honestly, in all the excitement of coming to Paris, I'd completely forgotten I'd have to look after children.

Good God. Children.

I hate them.

I mean yeah they can be cute and whatnot and yes I have a pretty cushy deal in that I only get them 20 hours a week but oh my good lord I cannot stand them. They whine and cry and hit and I just do not have the temperament for that kind of bullshit.

But hey - I get the chance to live in Paris rent free and bill free! I even get some of my food paid for! And for minimal work! That's the dream! Right?! Right!?... Right?

Nah.

I am bored. And unsettled. And yes, also a whiny over privileged bitch no doubt.

I know, I know, I was all over leaving uni for the bright lights of the Eiffel Tower but now things have changed again. Yes, I couldn't believe I was living in Paris for the first month. But now (2 months in) I've had a change of heart.

The thing is, to my ditzy fuck of a mind, I want to settle down. I want to live with R and have somewhere we can call our own and put our stamp on. I want a big fat cat. I want to be able to make friends and just put roots down somewhere. I'm craving this so much that I'm losing sense of what this whole Paris thing was to me. Aren't I a complete twat?

On the plus side, I've found a cat cafe. Like, an actual cafe with cats in it. Real cats. I know, be still my beating heart. Fucking love cats.

Look. It's all cute and shit.

There's a cat in there. I know. Best day ever.

Clearly I have things to think about but hey, I've rediscovered my blog and will continue to write my mindless babble about meaningless things.

But not cats. Cats are far from meaningless.

But seriously, fill me in. What's been happening? Also am I being an idiot wanting to leave Paris already even though it's not that shit?