Friday, 13 February 2015

Okay, Who Called It?

Well fuck me sideways and call me Wendy - it was a good thing I was sitting down when this occurred.

Allow me to set the scene: around 8pm on a typical Thursday night and I am sitting on my bed on Facebook to various friends (because I am, as one likes to call it, a popular fuck) having been out for girly drinks beforehand. See, flatmate and I have had a horrid ballsfest of a shitty week so far. Landlords and flats have been arsewanks, she's coming down with a horrible cold and I'm considering dropping out of uni (I'll get to that another time).

Now, you all know Teddy Bear Bartender from such hilarious misadventures as 2 posts ago and, since I had been having a shitty week and SD is still floating around the North Sea somewhere, I had arranged to meet him. Sophie was not impressed. Not impressed because she knows I like SD. And that, even though TBB was all cute and teddy bear-like, I didn't really want to see him. Mainly because his spelling is so utterly atrocious. I know, I know, it's such a dick thing for me to say but honest to God, I have never seen such terrible spelling. It pained me to look at his texts. God I'm a pretentious twat.

However, I told Sophie that I was stressed and shit and I wasn't sure when SD was back and I didn't even know how SD felt and I didn't want to be the idiot that was way more into the guy than he was into me. So after girly drinks, I went back to the flat to make my face look semi decent as I was going to meet TBB in the next hour or so. And I went onto the Facebooks because I am a youth and that is how we do. I had a message from SD and as I was replying, I somehow told him that I was going to see TBB... Somehow. I somehow told him. Basically, I am very, very honest. And for some reason I trust him. And feel no need to lie to him. So I told him.

And now, allow me to elaborate with the medium of screenshot. I bloody love me some screenshotting. Saves me so much typing time here.

So here, I had just told SD that I was meeting TBB. I told him I was sorry but he didn't know when he'd be back and I needed someone.

And he said he was disappointed. Did you see it? Disa-fucking-ppointed. Which is why I said I could cancel. Although yes, well observed how reluctant I sounded about cancelling. Please go shove a cucumber up your arse.

This is basically useless information for you. I was screenshotting the whole conversation. Deal with it. 

Although note how he told me to go and basically sleep with TBB. Right? Right?!

Okay yeah, then I was a dick again. 

Ooooooh I cut off half the message!!! What's it going to say??!!!

So I do my truth bomb thing. AND THEN...


'But then, I don't know, I just kinda fell for you...'


HE LIKES ME!!!!! LIKE, LIKE LIKES ME!!!!!!! (Lol flashback to LB ye olde times of yore...) (Actually less lol) (More pain) (Men are arsewanks).


So, needless to say I cancelled TBB. In fact, I went so far as to tell him that I was in A&E with a friend who had broken her leg. Because I am a dick. As we have established many a time. I am a major bumhole.

I'm going to go squeal a bit more.

I have the most ridiculous smile on my face right now.

I disgust myself.


  1. A&E? Really? You're the second of my friends to use that excuse this month... Haha.

    Also WELL DONE YOU GO GET MARRIED TO A SAILOR! Or whatever he is. Something to do with the sea, right? Righto.

    PS please make him stop using 'ur' instead of 'your.' This angers me, and I can't be at your wedding angry.


    1. I prefer the term navigational officer...
      I'm telling myself that it's really rough at sea at the moment which is impairing his judgement and therefore explains the abbreviations. I'm sure that's it.
      But I'll try. I don't want you at my wedding angry either x

  2. Ur man there is a pretty cool customer. I like him.

    1. I see what you did there, I see what you did.
      So do I. It's just a shame he's floating off the coast of Norway at the moment.

  3. I just WOOPED for you. That is the best feeling! Picked a wedding dress yet??
    Also fair play for the A&E comment. I can't think on my feet and have headaches far too often.

    PS. I found your blog via Charlotte's and have binge read the entire blog this week. I'm a creep, I know, but I'm not even ashamed. You're a fab writer! Keep posting!!

    1. The headache was my first thought. But then I couldn't remember if I'd already used that one when I cancelled on him the first time...
      I'm still a little grossed out with myself. So am drinking wine just so I don't have a minor identity crisis and think this whole relationship malarkey is my thing.

      Embrace the creep. Being a creep is so underrated.